sometimes the layers of life pile on top of me so damn much that i start to lose myself. and by this, i don’t mean i’m too busy. the go-to, “i’m so busy” is ridiculously cliche and it kind of makes my skin crawl. most of us are busy. by layers of life, i mean the choices i make, the ways in which i prioritize my time, the emotions that sometimes feel like i’m hauling around an 18 wheeler. one of my top priorities – for, i don’t know, forever – has been shared time with others. i thrive on on my interactions with friends and family, and often feel energized because of it. as with anything though, there can be too much of a good thing. when i explore the basis of this priority in my life, i recognize that some of it comes from a natural, core desire in my heart to be connected with another. i know, deep in my heart, that i want to live this life surrounded by love, for it to nurture and grow, and give lots of love back. having said this, i will very often re-arrange my schedule to fit in a social engagement, or 20, within a ridiculously small time frame. i will drive hours on end to accommodate others’ schedules. i will give and give and give until i run myself ragged. this is far from a rant of how selfless i am. quite the opposite. these past few months, i have realized more and more that perhaps i am being self-serving. in those instances which i really should say “no”, and still say “yes”, i am fulfilling my need to feel worthy.
my feelings of unworthiness run deep. i constantly question compliments on any sort of accomplishments, accolades at work, and words of admiration in my role as a friend or artist or athlete or mother. i think this unworthiness is rooted in my feelings of being a failure as a daughter and a lover. my mother is essentially a non-existent entity, cutting off ties with her children and grandchildren. my father, my biggest cheerleader and best friend, died. my marriage to the father of my child ended, for many reasons, but mostly because of a big mistake on his part and then mine. my relationship after him also ended, after a long, emotional time intertwined with my feelings of self-doubt and his battle with addiction. if someone like me – who truly believes that connection and love with another is the only way to live – cannot succeed in life’s most treasured relationships, then how can i be worthy with everything else? i feel like i’m attempting to create a tower of building blocks where the base is missing.
thus, i return here. with a new found sense of prioritization, recognizing that i don’t need (or want) to constantly be giving time to others. time with myself is essential, as i continue to work on my building blocks of self-worth. though this is a public space, i feel comfortable here, even when i share some messy shit that swirls in my head. for me, it’s an exercise of self-care, to be vulnerable and articulate my emotions. it doesn’t have be perfect, it just has to be me. it feels good to be back.